The Fight - Navigating School Meetings

The Fight - Navigating School Meetings

Okay 'fight' might be a strong word but by goodness it can feel like you're in a battle at times as a parent who is trying their best to get a school to listen to what you are trying to share, for the benefit of your child and their learning.  I have been to so many school meetings with my autistic son and also as a professional where I have advocated for the child or young person I was working with.  

Now where to start?  You know your child best.  Young people with additional needs go through peaks and troughs of good times and trickier times.  Sometimes this is mirrored in school and sometimes it isn't.  Some young people cope fine at school and mask all day long and fall apart when they get home. Some young people really struggle in school but are coping okay at home.  And there are others who struggle in all their daily environments.  What I'm trying to say here is that a teacher's perspective on how your child is doing will not necessarily match yours.  Some young people can and will speak for themselves in school and in school meetings but most will rely on a parent to speak for them and to help them get their point across, whether they are in the room or not.  

Some school meetings happen regularly.  A child is acknowledged as being differently abled and as such there are regular reviews of their learning needs and progress.  Given the pressures in education, it is more likely that school meetings are happening due to a current problem that a parent/child feels would be helpful to address as a team around the child.  More often than not, a parent will request such a meeting.  Sometimes a meeting will be arranged following a parental request and sometimes other health professionals will advocate for the young person and also ask for the meeting.  The fight sometimes starts at just organising the meeting!

Generally school meetings will follow the same usual structure and agenda:

• how are things in school?
• how is the young person getting on outside school with any services they attend? 
• how is the young person getting on at home?

I have no idea why it usually happens in this order.  Perhaps it's to do with the environment - in a school so start with school?  In an ideal world, given that the request has most likely come from a young person in need, the young person and parent would start the meeting and share the purpose of the meeting and their request.  I can tell you, there is no greater build up than sitting in your child's school meeting with 10 minutes to go until the end of the time slot and you haven't spoken yet.  Attending a meeting about your child is hard, it just is.  There have likely been issues that you've been pondering for days, weeks, months and you've wracked your brain about what to do about it and tried so many things you've lost count.  You chased and you got this time to meet the other people who see your young person a lot and you need to share what's been happening and ask for advice/help where the issues are impacting on your young person in general and on their learning.  By the time it comes to speaking, you are a pressured wreck and if you can control your emotions then you are amazing!  More often than not, parents overflow at this point, trying to get everything out that they planned to say but saying it out loud brings all the emotion to the fore... sadness, anxiety, anger, grief and so on.  You want to do your best for your child, you want to be their best advocate but here you are like a nervous wreck trying to share the story you prepared earlier.  It happens and it's absolutely okay.  There isn't a 'type' of parent who does this, it can happen to anyone.  I have cried in so many of my son's school meetings.  It's hard, it's so incredibly hard to articulate yourself in that moment.  I believe we should always start a school/health meeting with the young person and parents having space to share what's on their mind so the agenda is on the table from the start and that everyone should work from there.  

Some young people benefit from an IEP (Individual Education Plan) or similar meaning that the meeting should have some formal structure of sorts like reviewing the last plan and determining the actions of the next but unfortunately this formal structure in one hour can feel rushed, procedural and again takes precious time from hearing the story and ask from the important people in the room.  Formal plans have their place but they can be agreed before and after a meeting by email or phone call and administering them should not take up time during an important chance to connect people around a young person.

Coming back to agendas... I believe most people in the room will come with a plan for each eventuality.  Other types of agenda are the personal prejudices and biases of teaching staff and health professionals.  Those who assume your young person is like every other autistic person they have worked with; those that believe your young person is more anxious than autistic and they have just the solution you need; and worst of all, those that deny a diagnosis is relevant to your young person... 'they get on just fine in school, all young people learn and develop in varying time frames'.  Honestly!  There were quite a few people who suggested my son was clever and didn't seem that autistic at all.  This is so hard for a parent AND young person to hear and can strip down all the work going on behind the scenes to create an acceptable narrative for a young person around their differences and how to cope as best they can with every day life.  

Other parts of a school meeting agenda can include a complete analysis of how a young person is doing in every subject; what their timetable looks like; and how they are getting on in terms of the GIRFEC SHANARRI indicators - all of these, in my opinion, waste time in the meeting.  Everyone in the room is generally aware of these details and can ask for more detail at another time if not.  

Young people and families need allies in these meetings.  Curious health professionals and teachers who can get alongside you as a family and ask what would be helpful and to really hear how things are from your perspective.  Every young person is different and what works for one may not work for another.  

So what will help?  Here are some hints and tips:

Young People

• who is your best advocate?  Have them attend the meeting with you or on your behalf
• who gets you in school?  who knows how things are for you?  do you have a trusted teacher or PSA?  can they attend the meeting too? - this will help you to trust the process
• decide beforehand if you want to be at the meeting - if you don't want to be there, can you write something to be read out?   If you do want to be there, do you want to attend the whole thing and speak or just listen?  Or do you want to attend at the end for someone to give you a quick summary of what has been discussed and agreed?
• what do you want to get out of the meeting?  Do your parents/advocates know that?  

Parents

• these types of meetings are pressured even if you are in the room with the most compassionate teaching staff and health professionals - you have the right to be accompanied by an advocate - this person could support you to say what you need to say or to say it on your behalf if it feels too tricky in the moment 
• Why have you / school / health professional requested the meeting? - what do you need to prepare beforehand? - think about what you'd like to ask about and what the best outcomes might be for your young person and you
• If you can, make a written note or list of what you want to discuss in order of priority in case time runs out (it shouldn't but it does!)
• Be aware that you can't make demands on schools and of health professionals but rather you can explain how things are for your child and for you and make some suggestions of what might work and ask for thoughts and ideas from the people in the meeting who have experience of working with young people - it never helps to get into an argument about what you need and what school can't provide - there are ways to escalate your concerns after the meeting if required
• It's okay to feel all the emotions in the room - you are a parent who is supporting a young person with additional needs and it's hard sometimes - if you feel the meeting will be very hard then it might help to submit some points in writing to the chair/organiser of the meeting beforehand so that they can guide you through your points in the meeting
• It's okay to ask to speak relatively close to the start of the meeting, especially if the meeting is happening at your request.  It might help to say something like 'I know we have lots on the agenda and I'd like to hear how x is doing at school but I have a lot of things I'd like to discuss and I want to make sure there is enough time to do that, do you mind if I go first please'?  This is a reasonable request. 
• Make space before and after a school meeting to prepare and to decompress afterwards - do something you enjoy or just stop and rest - your brain will be on overdrive, ticking over and thinking about all the things you said, didn't say and if you were picked up correctly and if you did your best (you did by the way!).  

Grandparents

• offer moral support before and after a school meeting
• Helping to support the preparation before the meeting - go over key points and questions
• attend the meeting as an advocate if this is appropriate

Teachers

• Invite a young person and parent to speak first if they wish and ensure they have space and time to be able to express themselves in the meeting
• consider the real reason for a school meeting - who requested the meeting? - how can you make space for everyone in the meeting in a meaningful way?  Can you take out the irrelevant bits and focus on how you can work together as a team to discuss ways forward for the young person
• how can you prepare a young person for the meeting based on how the young person wishes or doesn't wish to participate?   If you don't know them well, find a teacher who does, can they attend the meeting too?  
• Keep an eye out for generalisations about a young person - this parent wants to know that you are really hearing the concerns about their young person and their struggles - listen to the ask of school - answer honestly about what can be done to support a young person 
• It's okay not to have all the answers.  The most important thing is to let a young person and parent know you have heard them and that you will find out what the options will be, if you don't know at the time
• If a young person isn't at the meeting, can you write a short note to them afterwards to share with them the main points of discussion / a summary?  Or can you catch them for 5 minutes to let them know it went well and the plan?  
• Let everyone know how actions from the meeting will be communicated and by when - a parent wants to know there is a written record of what was discussed and actions to be taken and by who - this is for their records but it is really helpful if they have struggled to contribute and take everything in at the same time!

Well that was a lot and there is so much more I could say.  I have had the pleasure of being in some very successful school meetings and I draw 'what works' from them.  There are some amazingly skilled teachers and leaders in schools and some are learning and that's fine as long as they are appropriately curious about how to support young people.  School meetings don't happen often enough so it is one opportunity in a few months to pin down how to help a young person.  Do what you can in that 60 minute!  

I'd be delighted to work with you one to one if you feel you need some coaching around preparing for your child's school meeting.